#2000
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
The Second Funniest Joke ever:
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute.
“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
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Subject:...confesional booth
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,
sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk
continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles,...'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this
side either.'
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"Nurses aren't supposed to laugh." Fred declared.
"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've
never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the
tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't
have been bigger than a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the
floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure .
"I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor
as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me,what seems
to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied.
Things went downhill from there.
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Why you should never question a drunk
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. Can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. Package of bacon.
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed a single female. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?
The drunk replied,'Cause you're ugly.'
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Blondes Diary On A Cruise Ship
DEAR DIARY: DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my sexiest dresses and
make-up. Really excited.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins.
Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 3
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls
off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.
Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DEAR DIARY:DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have
dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne.
He asked me to stay the night but I declined.. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 5
Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at
piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming.
Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him
have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 6
Today I saved 1600 lives..........Twice.
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Why guys are so great...
Proof That Men Have Better Friends
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
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husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband
picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they
carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the
price."
On the PA system: "Cleanup on aisle 25; we have a husband down."
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A primary school teacher said to her class 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,'
A little girl raises her hand.'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these
stories could Become, asked the girl to describe the incident.'
Well', she began,'I was in the back yard with my
kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and
before we Knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.'My kitty
raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shit!', the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room.
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Here are some of the top jokes in different countries:
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house..
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her,'Is something wrong?' To which she replied,'There certainly is!'
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
My stupid computer keeps saying,'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'
The Funniest Joke in England and the United Kingdom:
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
The Funniest Joke in Canada
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
The Funniest Joke in Austria
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”
The Funniest Joke in Belgium.
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
The Funniest Joke in Germany
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”
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Topic: #2000..... #2000..... Some of the greatest Big B Funnies (Read 543 times)