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[Brat Jr]

WOMEN ARE EVIL BY NATURE

A sexy woman went to a bar. She gestured to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?", she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"No.", he replied.  


"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," as she continued running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" The bartender asked.
"Tell him there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
 
 :mrgreen:  :mrgreen:

[Brat Jr]

When I was married for 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.  Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman.  It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."  My wife is a very reasonable woman.  She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed watching a black and white and would need plasma.  Aren't older women great?  They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis....
 
 
                                                                                     NUFF SAID.......

[Brat Jr]

ATTENTION:
ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND NICE PEOPLE.
YOU WILL BE SAFE.
  I'M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE. :mrgreen:

[Brat Jr]

ok   last one!

What is 2 1/2 inches long and can satisfy a woman
 
EVERY TIME.
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>an no limit Credit Card!    
WHATWEREYOUTHINKING?? :mrgreen:

[cheese]

ok   last one!

What is 2 1/2 inches long and can satisfy a woman
 
EVERY TIME.
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>an no limit Credit Card!    
WHATWEREYOUTHINKING?? :mrgreen:

A gun  :roll:

[Brat Jr]

pg 13 rating,,,,,, maybe an R  


Elmer has died and Mildred just can't take it anymore so she decides to commit suicide and join her beloved.
As she grabs Elmers gun, she seemed worried that she wouldn't hit the right spot and be a burden on her kids. She called the Dr for an exact position of her heart. The Dr told her it was just under her left breast. She shot herself and woke up in the hospital............
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because she shot her knee cap off! This would be me!

[cheese]

pg 13 rating,,,,,, maybe an R  


Elmer has died and Mildred just can't take it anymore so she decides to commit suicide and join her beloved.
As she grabs Elmers gun, she seemed worried that she wouldn't hit the right spot and be a burden on her kids. She called the Dr for an exact position of her heart. The Dr told her it was just under her left breast. She shot herself and woke up in the hospital............
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because she shot her knee cap off! This would be me!

 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

[For Keeps]

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail.
But, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

[cheese]

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail.
But, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

So true

[nosoupforU]

a piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says 'get out we don't serve your kind'. The piece of string walks into another bar. The bartender says 'get out, we don't serve your kind". So the piece of string asks a passer by on the street to beat up his ends, and tie him in a loop. Then the piece of string walks back into the first bar. The bartender says 'didn't I just tell you to get out, that we don't serve your kind. Aren't you a piece of string' ?















he  says; "nope, I'm a frayed knot"

[nosoupforU]

I don't care who you are, that's funny

[Brat Jr]

[For Keeps]

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, since you are blind, that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl.
I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[yote19]

Oh MA is going to be after you :lol:

[yote19]

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".

Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left".

An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left".

One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"

[Brat Jr]

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".

Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left".

An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left".

One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"

and she be after you too!  :mrgreen:

[MA]

Keeps said...."A good friend will come and bail you out of jail.
But, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"
_________________


You telling our story again.  :roll:

And a true friend holds your hair back when you puke. :mrgreen:

[MA]

Oh MA is going to be after you :lol:

MA might start telling BALD jokes.  :shock:  :mrgreen:

[yote19]

No blonde jokes today--but for those that hate their jobs, this is kind of funny:

I LOVE MY JOB . . . . . .

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana .He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all .

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my but t started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

[Brat Jr]

You know its going to be a bad day ahead when...

You wake up face down on the pavement.

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.   :oops:

You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.  :shock:

You turn on the news and they are showing escape routes out of the city.

Your twin sister forgot your birthday.

You wake up to realize your waterbed broke and then discover you don't have a waterbed.  :shock:

Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.

You call your answering service and they tell you it's non of your business.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex.

Your income tax check bounces.  

You put both contacts in one eye.

[MA]

You know its going to be a bad day ahead when...


You put both contacts in one eye.   DONE THAT!!!! :shock:

[yote19]

Blonde?  Oops Sorry :mrgreen:

[cheese]

I stayed up way too late once, got up early and started to drive in to work.......It was Saturday :shock:

[yote19]

This is my daughters oopsy statement of all time--I was telling her about the Olympics in Squaw Valley California and how they had the ice skating outside instead of in an arena--She asked me "Did they use real ice" :shock:   Thats my 4.0 student there :roll:

[MA]

I bet Yote did a few things on that list.    :mrgreen:

[Brat Jr]

This is reputed to be the actual dialog of a former Wordprefect customer
Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you
Yes, well, I'm having trouble with word perfect.
What sort of trouble?
Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.
Went away?
They disappeared.
Hmm, So what does your screen look like now?
Nothing.
Nothing?
It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.
Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?
How do I tell?
Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?
What's a sea-prompt?
Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?
There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.
Does your monitor have a power indicator?
What's a monitor?
It's the thing with a screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it is on?
I don't know.
Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?
Yes, I think so.
Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's pluged into the wall.
Yes, it is.
When you where behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?
No.
Well there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.
Okay, here it is.
Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.
I can't reach.
Uh huh. Well can you see if it is?
No.
Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?
Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle- it's because it's dark.
Dark?
Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Well turn on the office light then.
I can't.
No, why not?
Because there's a power outage.
A power ... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?
Well, yes I keep them in the closet.
Good! go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. then take it back to the store that you bought it from.
Really? Is it that bad?
Yes, I'm afraid it is.
Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?
Tell them you're to stupid to own a computer!

[yote19]

ummmmm :roll:    :mrgreen:

[Brat Jr]

LMAO!
 I had to post this one. How many would actually use this as an excuse to golf?
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the links.

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says " Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turn to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I whispered in my wife's ear and said, 'Well babe, is it sex or golf?' and she said, 'take a sweater'."

[yote19]

No blonde jokes today--but for those that hate their jobs, this is kind of funny:

I LOVE MY JOB . . . . . .

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana .He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all .

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my but t started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

I keep chuckling about this guys jellyfish stuck in his wetsuit and his arse swolen shut for two days :lol:

[Brat Jr]

I keep chuckling about this guys jellyfish stuck in his wetsuit and his arse swolen shut for two days  

Wanna trade the jellyfish sting for the pain in your back?