Topic: New procedures (Read 2108 times)

2 CENTS · « **on:** June 28, 2007, 12:48:07 PM »

New procedures for ATM machines, this is important because I am usually in a hurry to Soccer games.

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

**********************************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

yote19 · « **Reply #1 on:** June 28, 2007, 01:12:57 PM »

:lol: Very Good

Gumby · « **Reply #2 on:** June 28, 2007, 01:13:07 PM »

OOOOOOOHHH!!! :shock: :shock: :shock:

Oh no you didn't! :shock:

It was nice knowing you 2 cents... these ladies gonna get you for that. :lol:

yote19 · « **Reply #3 on:** June 28, 2007, 01:15:18 PM »

Quote from: "Gumby"

OOOOOOOHHH!!! :shock: :shock: :shock:

Oh no you didn't! :shock:

It was nice knowing you 2 cents... these ladies gonna get you for that. :lol:

Yeah, but many of the ladies don't come on this forum much anymore....afraid of the forum police at their local club or they are too busy catching a few of the sunshine rays we get these days.

And no I am not talking about you Brat...as you post enough for all of us. :mrgreen:

sccraddict · « **Reply #4 on:** June 28, 2007, 01:17:39 PM »

Hey - what about me....although I do find it funny - but will tell you I ATM like the male version. Drives me crazy waiting behind somebody trying to get their s*** together - either get your cash or get out of the way :mrgreen:

yote19 · « **Reply #5 on:** June 28, 2007, 01:31:58 PM »

Addict - is definately being added to our side :lol:

yote19 · « **Reply #6 on:** June 28, 2007, 01:33:47 PM »

BTW--what is an ATM--my wife hasn't given me access to one of those yet??? But she has no clue about my slush fund for skiing or golf either. yet

cheese · « **Reply #7 on:** June 28, 2007, 01:41:21 PM »

I think the same applies to Drive-Thru's also :roll:

Brat Jr · « **Reply #8 on:** June 28, 2007, 01:54:24 PM »

Might as well call me one of the guys. Get your crap together and MOVE!

cheese · « **Reply #9 on:** June 28, 2007, 01:55:32 PM »

Quote from: "BratillaJr"

Might as well call me one of the guys. Get your crap together and MOVE!

And stay out of the fast lane while driving :x

Brat Jr · « **Reply #10 on:** June 28, 2007, 01:56:07 PM »

Quote from: "cheese"

Quote from: "BratillaJr"
Might as well call me one of the guys. Get your crap together and MOVE!

And stay out of the fast lane while driving :x

Its called the SKINNY pedal! USE IT!

sccraddict · « **Reply #11 on:** June 28, 2007, 02:05:19 PM »

Quote from: "BratillaJr"

Quote from: "cheese"
Quote from: "BratillaJr"
Might as well call me one of the guys. Get your crap together and MOVE!

And stay out of the fast lane while driving :x

Its called the SKINNY pedal! USE IT!

:mrgreen:

ineedtogetalife · « **Reply #12 on:** June 28, 2007, 02:40:03 PM »

I don't use the ATM anymore. Get my cash when I do my grocery shopping.

Drill Sgt · « **Reply #13 on:** June 28, 2007, 03:03:10 PM »

Quote

Quote from: "2 CENTS"
New procedures for ATM machines, this is important because I am usually in a hurry to Soccer games.

Sure, I'll bet you're in a hurry all right, and here's why: :lol:

Female Procedure for Getting to Soccer Tournament:

1.   Check that uniforms and gear are ready the night before
2.   Print out Mapquest map and directions for tournament parking
3.   Leave for tournament with 30 “spare” minutes.
4.   Allow DD to set mood and tone for car trip – it is a big game coming up.
5.   Pay with exact money, park at spot designated by volunteer.
6.   Walk to DD or DS’s field.

Male Procedure for Getting to Soccer Tournament:

1.   Ask wife or DD on game morning, “What time does the game start again?”
2.   Declare to everyone that there will be no problem getting to game warm-up on time.
3.   While everyone else loads the car, take “just a quick shower” before leaving.
4.   Refuse to look at Mapquest map, because you know exactly where the fields are.
5.   Start to pull out of driveway, then back up car, because you have forgotten your cell phone.
6.   Return to car with cell phone, drive exactly 2 blocks, then return to house because you have forgotten your favorite goofy visor cap that is your CP trademark at games.
7.   Explain to your DD why she should not be embarrassed by your goofy visor cap.
8.   Proceed out of neighborhood, and declare to everyone that there will be no problem making up the 30 minutes behind schedule that you now all are.
9.   Sing loudly along with DD’s music and careen in and out of HOV lane to make up lost time and promote a happy pre-game spirit.
10.   Explain to DD why she should not mind you singing loudly to her music: after all, you like some of those songs too! Shouldn’t that make her happy?
11.   Narrowly avoid police highway speed trap, slow down for 2 miles, then resume #9.
12.   Declare to everyone that you know a short-cut to the fields that very few other people know.
13.   Refuse offer of map.
14.   It is 10 minutes before pre-game warm up, and declare that there will be no problem getting to fields on time, as soon as you make this U-turn.
15.   Drive through some interesting residential neighborhoods to get back on track.
16.   Return to main road, drive to fields, enter tournament parking area.
17.   Grumble about clubs making money off of parking, while searching pants, jacket and car floor for wallet.
18.   Hand attendant a large bill, and crack embarrassing jokes while waiting to get your change.
19.   Ignore the volunteer pointing you to the left, because you are sure there is better parking in the lot to the right.
20.   Circle around the lot for 10 minutes, because you are sure that a good spot will open up.
21.   DD should be on the fields RIGHT NOW, and does not understand that you are getting her there faster by waiting for the parking spot closest to her field.
22.   Let DD and spouse out of car, since they are wrecking the pre-game mood, and it is a big game coming up.
23.   Park car and feel proud that a spot opened up in the right hand lot after all, just as you said it would.
24.   Discover that the field you want is near other parking lot. Run as fast as you can, holding onto goofy visor hat.
25.    Loudly announce your presence to other CP’s, and declare what a great day it is for soccer!
Quote

On-the-road-again · « **Reply #14 on:** June 28, 2007, 06:02:53 PM »

Quote from: "Drill Sgt"

Quote
Sure, I'll bet you're in a hurry all right, and here's why: :lol:

Female Procedure for Getting to Soccer Tournament:

1.   Check that uniforms and gear are ready the night before
2.   Print out Mapquest map and directions for tournament parking
3.   Leave for tournament with 30 “spare” minutes.
4.   Allow DD to set mood and tone for car trip – it is a big game coming up.
5.   Pay with exact money, park at spot designated by volunteer.
6.   Walk to DD or DS’s field.

Male Procedure for Getting to Soccer Tournament:

1.   Ask wife or DD on game morning, “What time does the game start again?”
2.   Declare to everyone that there will be no problem getting to game warm-up on time.
3.   While everyone else loads the car, take “just a quick shower” before leaving.
4.   Refuse to look at Mapquest map, because you know exactly where the fields are.
5.   Start to pull out of driveway, then back up car, because you have forgotten your cell phone.
6.   Return to car with cell phone, drive exactly 2 blocks, then return to house because you have forgotten your favorite goofy visor cap that is your CP trademark at games.
7.   Explain to your DD why she should not be embarrassed by your goofy visor cap.
8.   Proceed out of neighborhood, and declare to everyone that there will be no problem making up the 30 minutes behind schedule that you now all are.
9.   Sing loudly along with DD’s music and careen in and out of HOV lane to make up lost time and promote a happy pre-game spirit.
10.   Explain to DD why she should not mind you singing loudly to her music: after all, you like some of those songs too! Shouldn’t that make her happy?
11.   Narrowly avoid police highway speed trap, slow down for 2 miles, then resume #9.
12.   Declare to everyone that you know a short-cut to the fields that very few other people know.
13.   Refuse offer of map.
14.   It is 10 minutes before pre-game warm up, and declare that there will be no problem getting to fields on time, as soon as you make this U-turn.
15.   Drive through some interesting residential neighborhoods to get back on track.
16.   Return to main road, drive to fields, enter tournament parking area.
17.   Grumble about clubs making money off of parking, while searching pants, jacket and car floor for wallet.
18.   Hand attendant a large bill, and crack embarrassing jokes while waiting to get your change.
19.   Ignore the volunteer pointing you to the left, because you are sure there is better parking in the lot to the right.
20.   Circle around the lot for 10 minutes, because you are sure that a good spot will open up.
21.   DD should be on the fields RIGHT NOW, and does not understand that you are getting her there faster by waiting for the parking spot closest to her field.
22.   Let DD and spouse out of car, since they are wrecking the pre-game mood, and it is a big game coming up.
23.   Park car and feel proud that a spot opened up in the right hand lot after all, just as you said it would.
24.   Discover that the field you want is near other parking lot. Run as fast as you can, holding onto goofy visor hat.
25.    Loudly announce your presence to other CP’s, and declare what a great day it is for soccer!
Quote

Okay, now THAT'S funny!! :lol:

Would add on though...

23 1/2. Realize you have no clue what field dd's team is playing on and mumble under your breathe about how spouse should have told you.

MA · « **Reply #15 on:** June 28, 2007, 06:15:18 PM »

Drill Sgt. :mrgreen:

2 cents

Drill Sgt · « **Reply #16 on:** June 28, 2007, 06:42:16 PM »

Quote

Would add on though...

23 1/2. Realize you have no clue what field dd's team is playing on and mumble under your breathe about how spouse should have told you.

Of course! Good pick up!
Thanks for including it!

I should also have pointed out, but perhaps self-explanatory, that the reason for the "large bill" for the tournament parking is due to the VERY efficient "male" stop at the ATM machine on way to tournament!

2 CENTS · « **Reply #17 on:** June 28, 2007, 06:54:24 PM »

Quote from: "Drill Sgt"

Quote
Quote from: "2 CENTS"
New procedures for ATM machines, this is important because I am usually in a hurry to Soccer games.

Sure, I'll bet you're in a hurry all right, and here's why: :lol:

Oh yeah,
I know your talking about me! :x
Well you forgot the part about stopping on the way at Jack in the Box for two sausage & egg croissants, hash browns, orange juice & one large coffee and it will only take two minutes. I think it fits in right after #12

Dragon · « **Reply #18 on:** June 28, 2007, 08:56:32 PM »

Boy, have you all got that backwards (in some cases) :lol:

Brat Jr · « **Reply #19 on:** June 28, 2007, 10:34:29 PM »

The FEMALE makes The Rules.

The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

No MALE can possibly know all The Rules.

If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows The Rules, she must immediately change The Rules.

The FEMALE is never wrong.

If the FEMALE is mistaken, it is a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong.

The MALE must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.

The FEMALE may change her mind at any time.

The MALE must never change his mind without the written consent of the FEMALE

The FEMALE has the right to be upset or angry at any time.

The MALE must remain calm at all times, unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry and/or upset.

If the FEMALE has PMS, all The Rules are null and void.

The MALE is expected to mind read constantly and act accordingly.

Any attempt to document The Rules could result in actual bodily harm.

The MALE who doesn't abide by The Rules can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a whimp.

Dragon · « **Reply #20 on:** June 28, 2007, 10:35:32 PM »

oh brother, you gals are getting deep :lol:

Brat Jr · « **Reply #21 on:** June 28, 2007, 10:37:37 PM »

If only men would listen!

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "B*^%#$!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. :oops:

Incidental Contact · « **Reply #22 on:** June 28, 2007, 10:37:42 PM »

Quote from: "BratillaJr"

The FEMALE makes The Rules.

The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

No MALE can possibly know all The Rules.

If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows The Rules, she must immediately change The Rules.

The FEMALE is never wrong.

If the FEMALE is mistaken, it is a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong.

The MALE must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.

The FEMALE may change her mind at any time.

The MALE must never change his mind without the written consent of the FEMALE

The FEMALE has the right to be upset or angry at any time.

The MALE must remain calm at all times, unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry and/or upset.

If the FEMALE has PMS, all The Rules are null and void.

The MALE is expected to mind read constantly and act accordingly.

Any attempt to document The Rules could result in actual bodily harm.

The MALE who doesn't abide by The Rules can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a whimp.

YES, MAAM! Ruff. :twisted:

Dragon · « **Reply #23 on:** June 28, 2007, 10:38:58 PM »

Quote from: "BratillaJr"

blah blah blah

huh? :roll:

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Brat Jr · « **Reply #24 on:** June 28, 2007, 10:40:25 PM »

At long last... The Men’s Guide to what a woman really means when she says something.

Pay close attention (there might be a quiz later).

You want = You want

We need = I want

It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure... go ahead = I don’t want you to.

I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!

You’re ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You’re certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?

I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I’m on my period.

Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like.

I’ll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you’re dead.]

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it.

Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

Brat Jr · « **Reply #25 on:** June 28, 2007, 10:52:43 PM »

How many men does it take to open a beer?

- None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

- Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

- It allows them to stand closer to the sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

- She starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?

- It doesn't matter. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men break wind more than women?

- Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

- The dog. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

- A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right.

- I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months!

- I don't like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by up to 90%.

- It's called wedding cake.

Marriage is a three ring circus:

- Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.

My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"

- I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.

- Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?

- They want to.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds section with the heading "Wife Wanted."

- The next day he received a hundred letters saying "You can have mine."

Brat Jr · « **Reply #26 on:** June 28, 2007, 10:55:32 PM »

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT?"

The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen that night and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.

She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out - but she does not care.

She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, "But you don't even play tennis! Well, OK if you like it then let's get it."

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says, "I am ready to go, let's go to the cash register." The husband stops and says, "No, honey I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to hold this stuff for a while."

The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode and the husband says, "You must be in tune with my financial needs as a Man." :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

cheersme95keep · « **Reply #27 on:** June 29, 2007, 12:02:42 PM »

Drill Sgt - you have me stressed already! I just MUST do the driving - I'm already feeling late and we still have over 4 hours to spare - or is that LESS than 5 hours now?

:shock:

Also THANK YOU for confirming:
4. Allow DD to set mood and tone for car trip – it is a big game coming up.
I'm sure that includes the radio station - can I get that in writing for DD's dad so I have a confirming source saying it's not just a crazy mom letting DD own the radio for that trip to the game please!!

skagitcoach · « **Reply #28 on:** June 29, 2007, 12:54:57 PM »

OK, here's another one:

"if a man says something and his wife is not around to hear him say it, is he still wrong?"

Mrs. Skagitcoach swears the answer is yes, ALWAYS.

LOL

Brat Jr · « **Reply #29 on:** June 29, 2007, 01:25:03 PM »

Quote from: "skagitcoach"

OK, here's another one:

"if a man says something and his wife is not around to hear him say it, is he still wrong?"

Mrs. Skagitcoach swears the answer is yes, ALWAYS.

LOL

She right you know!

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Author Topic: New procedures (Read 2108 times)